Excerpt from: One’s journey into learning the difference between drama and trauma

Grace is in turmoil. Her life is moving slowly but each moment feels like a scene from a horror film. Doctors are saying viruses and PTSD is the cause for so much destruction  but Grace is trying to figure out from where or who?

 So she decides to trace back her most traumatic and dramatic moments in her life to understand her present state.

She goes back in her mind from recent drama until her mind can’t go back anymore.

Grace learns that all drama isn’t just drama and understands that just because you can survive it doesn’t mean it doesn’t have effects on you in some shape or form. 

Sit back. Get your tea ready because these memories are something. And you decide if Grace is dealing with just drama or trauma? Or maybe just a tad bit of both.

Grace sits down for her first visit with a psychologist and she ashures Grace she’s in a safe space to remember and speak. Which for grace that puts some ease but she also doesn’t care because she’s blunt and doesn’t have a problem sharing her thoughts. 

Grace was hit with her first question which was, What was her first memory that stands out to her that’s dramatic?

Grace took a deep breath and said sure I can go to one story that started in middle school. And of course you would think being bullied but no. Grace surprised the psychologist by saying that her nieveness caused a classmate’s death. Grace wasn’t very social so she didn’t know how to handle being in different environments even if it’s her own.

 So she’s more of a positive do right mentality. Grace was a decent student, grades were halfway decent depending on the subject but would often skip school and just go back home to get away from the stress of her environment.

 Her mom was always there and knowing Grace she knew there was a reason and never made her feel bad for coming home because she had her own idea of what was going on.

 When she would come home she would meet up with a fellow classmate Lexus. Lexus was also quiet but social and skipped for the wrong reasons but also to get herself ready for when she went home. She had issues with her dad’s temper.

 Grace got a view of it one day when he dropped her off at home and he went off on Lexus over something she said and started beating her from the front seat. Right then Grace knew they had more in common than ever. fear. 

Grace and Lexus started walking from school to their homes which was a little over two miles.  Lexus helped Grace understand she’s in the hood but Grace’s mindset was hard to switch off. One morning the girls decided to walk to school and when they were about to walk onto campus Grace noticed someone breaking into a truck.

 Lexus said to let it go but Grace couldn’t do it even when she knew the guy saw both of them and another classmate that tried to stay out of it. But Grace reported it and the police got involved and an investigation began. Turns out it wasn’t just a random theft. But a string of them from gangs that surround the school.

 Grace wasn’t sure what they would do since she’s never been around them as far as she knew. Lexus on the other hand was well aware of them and what they were known for doing.  The police decided to interview each witness on different days and somehow gang members found out and things started happening.

 First was the unknown witness that Grace didn’t know. He was beaten up pretty badly and said he didn’t see much. Only thing he saw was someone running off. 

After that Grace started to realize what Lexus tried to tell her.

That she’s not in her home where it was safe next to her mom.

 When the morning came for Grace’s turn to report to the office she was pulled into some bushes and she closed her eyes as she felt her shirt being ripped and feeling punches in different areas but kept her face covered. One of the people told Grace to keep her mouth shut and besides no one was going to believe anyone would want your fat ass so don’t think about trying to say anything. Grace was stubborn and went into the school and told the truth.

 Seeing how she looked they could tell what had just happened to her and let her go home after she gave her statement.

 When Grace went home,

 her mom just looked at her and let her lay down on the sofa and when a couple of her sisters came by she still had her torn shirt on and one of her sisters told her she didn’t believe anything happened to her. 

She just skipped class. That triggered Grace thinking about what the guy said to her. Know thinking he was right. But that wasn’t the worst of it.

 Lexus never showed up to school. She didn’t show up for days. She wasn’t at home because her father came to Grace’s home looking for her and in the back of her mind Grace knew whatever was going on that it was her fault. When Lexus was found, Grace found out by her mom that Lexus was abducted by gang members and was taken to an abandone building near the school and was raped for days by different gang members. 

She was used as an introduction into gang life for new members and beaten before they let her go.

She looked like a crackhead after they were done with her because her teeth were knocked out of her swollen face. Grace wasn’t allowed to see her.

Grace had to cope with the fact that everything Lexus had gone through was because of her.

 She wanted to do the right thing. Without thinking about what might happen if you try to do that in the wrong area. Lexus never made it back to school. Two weeks after the attack on Lexus, Lexus killed herself.

The psychologist says, That’s a lot for a preteen to take in. Did anyone ever tell you that what happened wasn’t your fault? Grace said no. I had to live knowing that not only did my actions have a friend raped but now know that because of my actions my friend died because of them as well.

Grace looked at her psychologist and said, that’s my first memory that I can think of.

Grace smiled and shrugged after saying that.

 Saying she has a pretty decent memory so there’s a lot of things that she doesn’t forget but is honest when saying there’s plenty that she doesn’t know or remember either. Well tried to remember. 

So what else do you want to know?

So the psychologist said, what’s your most recent thing that stands out for you?

Grace said that’s easy, my sister petty behavior almost killing me twice in one year. I can’t seem to get that off my mind no matter how much I try. It’s just when you think about family you think of support and she did the opposite. I can’t get my mind to not realize that her actions almost cost me my life….twice at that. I keep coming close to dying when it comes to my family.

The psychologist asked have you ever been bullied?

Grace just smiled and said people always try. From childhood into adulthood. The way I grew up I didn’t have time to be worried about the way I looked or if people liked me or not. So growing up I was that proper english speaking none slang talking fat kid in the hood. When I went to school I was an overweight girl who held her head high so people took that as stuck up.

 Which meant there was always someone who thought they would be the one to bring me down. And every time they failed till it became a competition that lasted till I finished school. But I would say the most memorable moment that stands out is because of the outcome more than the actions honestly.

I was in a math class and everyone had a nickname. Nothing nice mind you but everyone had one including the teacher. Mine was beast. In that room was the only place where these names were allowed and honestly you felt like part of the class. Knowing how bad that is but that’s how it was back then. But anyway there was a girl in the class who I thought I was okay with. Not friends but not enemies either. Well her brother was in my home ec class and he didn’t like that I spoke to her in class. I never paid this guy any mind because he was always trying so hard to be a tough guy and I was focused on cooking.

 Until one day he came to class acting a bigger ass than normal because his sister told him the name I was given in that class. So he felt he had something to embarrass me with.

I felt bad for my teacher. She was a little old lady and I mean little. She knew what was about to happen and I saw her trying to run out of the class. He came to my desk calling me a beast thinking I was going to be offended and pushing my books off my desk and I, not thinking, just went for his throat pushing him against the wall in the nicest voice I could get to come out of my mouth to back up before I hurt you.

This was really bad for him because everyone saw that when I had him against the wall his feet were not touching the floor. I found that part out later myself.

 But I pushed him into the wall more when I let go of him and of course he couldn’t let it go so he started swinging.

 I ducked his swings but on the last one I leaned back on a plastic table and it broke and I went down with it. 

Security came and grabbed his arms to stop the fight but instead of using his hands, he used his feet and he decided to stomp my face since he couldn’t use his hands.

 We both were suspended. Who knew a school in the hood had strict fighting rules.

The police were surprised by that because my mom pressed charges of course and the guy’s mom apologized for her son’s actions and I got to sleep in for three days.

 The guy got beat up when he went back to school. See I was in choir and a few of the football players were in that class along with other players’ girlfriends and they didn’t appreciate his actions to their classmate. I was that popular kid who didn’t realize they were popular. Who new.

 My downside to this story is when he stomped my face he cracked two of my teeth and I had a freaking shoe symbol on my face so that meant I had to go to a freaking dentist.

 And of course the dentist said I needed a lot of work done to my mouth so I went through the process of starting root canals and fixing the chipped teeth. So I thought.

This dentist took out teeth that didn’t need to be taken out and never fixed the chipped teeth and those root canals?

 I had two extra holes inside my mouth because when it came for the day I was supposed to go back to the dentist to finish his work, he had shut down and never said where he was going. I went to an abandoned building. Now the thought of going to a dentist brings an anxiety attack before I even call to make an appointment.

 But it wouldn’t be that way if it wasn’t for that experience of someone trying to bully me. So no, I don’t allow myself to be bullied. I don’t respond to them the way they want and that’s by giving them a reaction. But when I do, they always seem to be surprised or shocked by the reactions I do give.

Now the psychologist asked Grace to give some content about herself before they went deeper into this sister situation. Let’s get into your background just a little bit. 

Grace says okay and do you mind if I talk about myself in a third party? It feels weird talking about myself any other way.

The psychologist says that’s fine and Grace says let’s 

See, I’m the youngest out of seven children. So that’s 5 females and 2 males. So right from the start I’m dealing with a WHOLE LOT of diva mentality from the start. Just joking.

Excerpt from Deidre Gibbs book:

One’s journey into learning the difference between drama and trauma