HPS Magazine

Adult cancer patients have unique physical health needs, but they also have unique emotional and mental health needs.

The emotional side of cancer — things like dealing with the stress of a diagnosis, self-care during treatment, accessing financial and legal resources or locating support — all can affect a patient’s ability to cope and stick to a treatment plan.

To help meet these needs, social workers can help navigate resources that support and encourage families. For example, if a patient is having trouble finding a ride to medical appointments, a social worker can connect the patient to transportation resources.

The patient can focus on healing if some of the stress and barriers getting to and from appointments are removed. Social workers are an important part of the care team who can coordinate services, educate, and listen to concerns during and after a hospital stay or during treatment.

Here are 7 tips to maintain or improve emotional well-being for cancer patients and caregivers:

1. Talk to someone who is not a family member.

While it can seem overwhelming to meet with a clinical social worker, these experts are trained to help on a one-time, short-term or long-term basis. By allowing yourself the opportunity to talk to someone other than friends or family, you get a trusted person to talk to while allowing your family to be just family.

2. Continue with daily activities, but modify if necessary.

Modifying normal tasks, habits and activities is not failure — it’s good self-care. Maybe you can’t camp for a full week far away, but could you camp for a couple of days closer to home?

3. Plan ahead.

If you know you might need transportation or could benefit from a program, such as Meals on Wheels, do some research ahead of time or enlist the help of a friend who enjoys planning. Not only can this help you avoid a last-minute scramble, but also checking on community resources in advance can help you understand your choices, lower your stress, and give you peace of mind and some control at a time things around you may seem out of control.

4. Find support that works for you.

For some people, it’s really important to connect with others going through the same thing. Support could be a monthly in-person group, a one-time class, or ongoing education about self-care, caregiving, nutrition or legal resources. For others, it may be important to explore short-term counseling with a clinical social worker.

5. Balance in-person and online support.

At certain times during treatment, there could be physical limitations or your immune system could be compromised, making an online community a good source of support. Remember that this may be helpful in the short term, but being social is key to emotional well-being.

6. Tap your community.

There are so many wonderful community resources that are here to help. Services can be practical, provide an emotional boost or offer opportunities for social interaction. A good place to start is the American Cancer Society website. Enter your ZIP code for a list of resources near you. The site also can connect caregivers.

7. Reach out.

Contacting a social worker at your local cancer center is always welcome. Remember, reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness. Even though you may want to be independent asking for help is healthy.

Sharon Dexheimer is a licensed clinical social worker in Mankato, Minnesota, who specializes in working with cancer patients and their loved ones

Medication nonadherence—when patients don’t take their medications as prescribed—is unfortunately fairly common, especially among patients with chronic disease. When this is the case, it is important for physicians and other health professionals to understand why patients don’t take their medications. This will help teams identify and improve patients’ adherence to their medications.

A path to lasting lifestyle change

Give your patients the advice they need to set and achieve sustainable health goals. Explore AMA’s resources to help patients create healthy habits.

Browse the Resources

If you don’t have a true picture of a patient’s medication-taking behavior, you may needlessly escalate their treatment, resulting in potential harm to the patient, unnecessary work for the practice and increased costs overall.

Most nonadherence is intentional with patients making a rational decision not to take their medicine based on their knowledge, experience and beliefs. These are the top eight reasons for intentional nonadherence.

Fear

Patients may be frightened of potential side effects. They may have also experienced previous side effects with the same or similar medicine. Additionally, patients report not taking their medication because they may have witnessed side effects experienced by a friend or family member who was taking the same or similar medication. From seeing those side effects experienced by someone else, it may have led them to believe the medication caused those problems.

Uncover four keys to addressing high BP and stroke among your black patients, including medication nonadherence due to side effects.

Cost

A major barrier to adherence is often the cost of the medicine prescribed to the patient. The high cost may lead to patients not filling their medications in the first place. They may even ration what they do fill in order to extend their supply.

To overcome this, check that the drug you’re prescribing is on the patient’s insurance formulary. Selecting and prescribing a medication known to be on a discount list can decrease the cost regardless of insurance.

Discover how a game plan for medication adherence starts with building trust.

Misunderstanding

Nonadherence can also happen when a patient does not understand the need for the medicine, the nature of side effects or the time it takes to see results. This is especially true for patients with chronic illness—taking a medication every day to reduce the risk of something bad happening can be confusing.

Learn more from the AMA about what to do when patients won’t take their meds.

Too many medications

When a patient has several different medicines prescribed with higher dosing frequency, the chances that they are nonadherent increase. Physicians can try to simplify a patient’s dosing schedule by adjusting medicines so they can be taken at the same time of day. Choosing long-acting drugs can also help if the dosing burden is too complex. Additionally, if possible, consolidate medicines by using combination products.

Here are seven steps to cut your practice’s medication management burden.

Lack of symptoms

As stated above, nonadherence might occur when there is a lack of symptoms. Patients who don’t feel any different when they start or stop their medicine might see no reason to take it. Additionally, once a patient’s condition is controlled, they may think the problem has resolved and may discontinue using the medication. It is important to inform your patient that they may need to take the medicine for a long time.

Mistrust

There has been news coverage of marketing efforts by pharmaceutical companies influencing physician prescribing patterns. This ongoing mistrust can cause patients to be suspicious of their doctor’s motives for prescribing certain medications.

Learn how building patient trust can support medication adherence.

Worry

If a patient is concerned about becoming dependent on a medicine, it can also lead to nonadherence. One way to overcome this is to improve patient-physician communication. Inadequate communication can account for 55% of medication nonadherence, making it important to understand the patient’s rationale for nonadherence, according to an AMA STEPS Forward™ module on medication adherence.

Depression

Patients who are depressed are less likely to take their medications as prescribed. Physicians and other health professionals may be able to uncover this by sharing issues and asking if the patient can relate to it. To reduce embarrassment, express that many patients experience similar challenges.

Learn more through the AMA’s STEPS Forward open-access modules which offer innovative strategies that allow physicians and their staff to thrive in the new health care environment. These courses can help you prevent physician burnout, create the organizational foundation for joy in medicine and improve practice efficiency.

The CME module, “Medication Adherence,” is enduring material and designated by the AMA for a maximum of 0.5 AMA PRA Category 1 Credit. 

This module is part of the AMA Ed Hub, an online platform with top-quality CME and education that supports the professional development needs of physicians and other health professionals. With topics relevant to you, it also offers an easy, streamlined way to find, take, track and report educational activities.

By Lilianna Hogan

Holding on to negative events increases your stress level and generally lowers your enjoyment of life. It results in feeling resentful, angry, and upset. It’s important that you learn to adapt, correct your errors, and grow from negative events. A key component to being able to do this is to be able to forgive yourself for any mistakes or wrongdoings you may have done.

What is Self-Forgiveness Vs. Self-Compassion?

It is easy to mistake self-forgiveness with self-compassion. Self-compassion is different but similar to self-forgiveness. The three hallmarks of self-compassion are:

• Kindness to yourself. Life is not perfect, so why would people be? When the going gets tough and things do not go to plan, people who practice self-compassion remember this. They acknowledge the inevitability of imperfection and are caring and loving to themselves.
• Shared humanity. Everyone experiences setbacks in life. Everyone will feel difficult emotions or have to problem solve as unexpected situations arise. Giving yourself compassion means not thinking that you are the only person in the world who experiences these things.
• Clarity and mindfulness. Having negative emotions can make people feel uncomfortable. Commonly, they will either exaggerate or downplay these emotions. Being able to clearly sit with these emotions and see them for what they are is a sign of self-compassion.‌

Self-compassion is different than self-forgiveness in that self-forgiveness is a way of reconciling the way you see yourself after you experience guilt, shame, and disappointment. These feelings happen when you do something that makes you question the image you have of yourself. Therefore, it is a facet of self-compassion.

Strategies for Self-Forgiveness

You may at times do something that challenges your own self-perception. And it can be hard to reconcile with yourself when you do something that negatively affects you or others. Here are some tips for how to internally practice self-forgiveness:

• Think back. Think back to a time in your life when you felt safe and cared about someone. Remember who that is — it could be a friend, relative, teacher, mentor, spiritual figure, or a pet. Visualize the feeling of being around them and being protected. Let yourself feel safe. Then, together with your protector, list all of your positive qualities.
• Remember the event. Next, acknowledge the facts surrounding what you need to forgive yourself for. Remember back to the specific event and how it made you feel. Notice what is hard to face. Make a list of what happened and sort it all into three different categories: moral faults, unskillfulness, and everything else. Moral faults call for guilt or remorse, and unskillfulness requires correction like committing to never doing a certain act again.
• Don’t avoid guilt. Not feeling great about doing something bad is healthy and natural. If we wipe away the bad feelings of doing bad, what are we left with? However, there is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame comes with defensive feelings like denial, avoidance, and violence. It is not helpful to tell yourself that you are a bad person at your core and feel guilty. By doing so, you may not think that you can change. Feeling guilt over your actions, however, can help you not repeat them.
• Take responsibility. You cannot forgive yourself if you don’t own up to what you did both to yourself and to the person you have wronged. Let them know that you take accountability for what you did and let yourself know this too. Learn to fully accept that you did whatever you did.
• Try to repair the damage. It may be hard for you to truly forgive yourself if you feel you haven’t done what you need to do to make amends. Perhaps this means offering financial aid, repairing the property, or simply saying sorry to someone.
• Have empathy for more than yourself. It has been found that people have trouble with self-forgiveness when they also have empathy with the other party involved. It’s normal for people to struggle with this tension. However, without having empathy for both yourself and the other person, this self-forgiveness can be empty and not mean much.‌

These tips are difficult to incorporate, but so is having true self-forgiveness. It will most likely be a long journey that will have valleys and peaks. You may never fully release the negative feelings you have. Self-forgiveness doesn’t need to be a self-indulgent thing but rather a clear appraisal of your capacity for doing bad and good.

You look at the clock and it’s 11:11. You think of a friend and they call. You’re considering changing jobs and just like that, the perfect one is posted. These are all signs your intuition is on point — and you should consider listening to it.

Intuition is often described as a gut feeling — when you feel like you just know something — which can seem a bit nebulous. So if you want a better way to understand it, start by considering it as a culmination of all the experiences, relationships, and interactions you’ve had thus far in life, says certified business and life coach Dr. Sonja Stribling. “Intuition is based on your own personal awareness of a particular situation,” she tells Bustle. It’s why you might feel pulled in a certain direction.

There is, however, often something more magical going on. According to certified life coach Terri Kozlowski, intuition is also an unconscious awareness or wisdom that can’t always be explained, which is why you might “know” something even if you haven’t lived it before. “The gut instinct is the physical response your body has to something, which can be positive or negative,” she tells Bustle. “It’s trying to tell you to notice something that isn’t on the physical level.”

However you define it, you can get better at trusting your gut. Stribling suggests taking time to check in with yourself on a regular basis, just to gauge how you feel. You can also practice listening to your inner voice as you make decisions. “The more you act on your insights, the more you build your intuition and courage muscle,” says certified breathwork coach and hypnotherapist Francesca Sipma. The more often you listen to the signs listed below, the clearer your intuition will be.

1

You’re Somehow Always Right

2

You Have Vivid Dreams

If you have a big decision to make or are processing a worry or concern, don’t be surprised if you start having weirdly vivid dreams. This is your subconscious testing out different solutions to help you land on the best possible outcome.

“Once you make your decision and stand firm in it based on your initial thoughts, you will find that you are able to sleep with a clear mind and heart,” Stribling says. “Pay attention to your dreams — they are trying to speak to you.”

3

You Have Nagging Thoughts

Take note if your mind keeps replaying the same situation over and over again or if you can’t seem to shake a concern. “Nagging thoughts or feelings that you can’t get rid of are signs that your gut is trying to speak to you,” Stribling says. “They show that there is something that may require deeper thought.”

It could be related to any area of your life, whether it’s work, relationships, family, moving to a new city, or starting a new job. If you can’t stop thinking about it, allow yourself space to stop and reflect. “Give yourself time to internalize what you’re trying to figure out,” says Stribling. You just might be able to “hear” the right answer.

4

You Often Stare Into Space

Do you find yourself daydreaming a lot? “Deep thought can also be a sign that you are highly in touch with your intuition,” Stribling says. “The more you think and analyze, the more you are able to tap into deeper subconscious thought, allowing you to pick every aspect of your decision-making that others may not think of.”

5

You Pick Up On Everyone’s Energy

If you notice that someone’s energy feels off or you don’t trust their intentions, listen to that gut reaction. According to life coach Lauren Paton, this is a common trait among people with strong intuition.

“You’re able to very quickly assess if someone has the right energy,” she tells Bustle. “If you can make quick assessments both good and bad based on what you feel from someone — and they turn out to be right — that’s your intuition calling.”

6

You Seem To Know Things Before They Happen

Sometimes your intuition can make you feel almost like a psychic. “Ever feel like you know what someone is going to say, or that you just intrinsically know what a problem is before anyone else gets there?” Paton asks. “This is the beautiful combination of your experiences, your understanding of people, and your openness to noticing what might be going on.” The next time you pick up on the feeling, go with it and see what happens.

7

You Experience Synchronicities

Do you notice weird coincidences or patterns, especially when you’re wondering what to do next in life? “Something as simple as trying to determine what habits to implement for better health and [suddenly] seeing several articles and news stories about plant-based diets can be a clue to the direction you are to go,” says Kozlowski.

You can also use these synchronicities to confirm you’re on the right path after you make a decision. “When you experience synchronicities, it shows that you are following your internal guidance system,” intuition expert Micara Link tells Bustle. “Synchronicities are the proof that you’re on the right track and that you’re in alignment with your highest good.”

8

The Clock Is Always At 11:11

Consider how it feels when you look at the clock and notice it’s 11:11 or 4:44 — or whatever other number feels important — as it can be very reaffirming. “When you catch the clock at a certain time, and you feel that perhaps a message is attached […] then that ‘knowing’ is something inside yourself that you intuitively understand,” Jill Sylvester, LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor and wellness coach, tells Bustle.

9

Your Body Is Relaxed

When your intuition is guiding you in the right direction, you’ll notice that your body seems to relax, particularly around your chest and stomach. You’ll go from a tight or sinking feeling, Kozlowski says, to one that feels warm and peaceful. “This is a positive physical sign from your intuitive self,” she explains.

10

You Feel Purposeful

You’ll also notice that you feel purposeful, whether you’re marching out the door to a job interview, date, vacation, etc. — you won’t catch yourself wavering or second-guessing. “Your intuition is the voice of your most authentic self — when you listen to this voice and follow its guidance, you automatically align with the deeper meaning of your life: your purpose,” Link says. Think of the saying, “When you know you know.”

11

You Find The Good In People

If you’re a highly intuitive person, don’t be surprised if it feels like you get along with everyone and anyone. “Intuitive people are sensitive to other people’s feelings and tend to read between the lines,” holistic wellness coach Daisy Mack tells Bustle. “They really tap into soul connections, seeing past the facades to what really matters to the other person and consequently striking up bonds and breaking down barriers.”

Remember, though, that your intuition can also hint when something’s off. As Sylvester says, “Your intuition is strong when you might experience a negative or positive emotion in the presence of someone or something that may not be healthy for you.” This little voice can truly save you from getting mixed up with the wrong people, so listen to it.

12

Answers Feel Like Lightbulbs

According to licensed therapist Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW, your intuition can feel like a lightbulb going off in a way that brings instant peace. “It lightens the load and you feel yourself exhale,” she tells Bustle. “You sit in the awareness for a moment, smiling at the clarity is just paved. Suddenly any other answer seems ridiculous.”

13

You’re Always At The Right Place At The Right Time

Your intuition is on point if it seems like you’re constantly in the right place at the right time, to the point where it feels like you’re in sync with the universe. “What’s actually happening is you’re following that inner voice before the conscious mind can get in there and stir up any doubt,” Mack says.

It also proves you’re following your heart rather than your head. “This can be a frustrating trait to logical friends as there seems to be no obvious reason for your decisions,” Mack says, “but it’s important for an intuitive person to follow their ‘gut.’”

14

You’re In Tune With Your Body

You may also have an easier time listening to your body. “A sign of a deep connection with your intuition is how acutely aware you are of what’s happening in your body,” confidence coach Lisa Philyaw, MS, tells Bustle. You know when you’re reaching the point of burnout and take time to recharge, you zero in on the signs you’re about to get sick and lay low. Whatever it is, it’s good that you listen to these cues.

15

You Think Of Someone & They Text You

How funny is it when you think of someone and then they text out of the blue, or you randomly see them at a coffee shop? “This suggests that your intuition sensed that these events were about to happen,” licensed psychotherapist Joyce Marter, LCPC tells Bustle. So why not see what the reason might be? Text them back, say hi, and ask what they’ve been up to. Who knows? You might end up coming back into each other’s lives for a really cool reason.

16

You Have Reservations When Nobody Else Does

Try to listen to your sneaking suspicion that something is off or wrong. For example: “In business dealings or perhaps when making a financial investment, if you have reservations, even though the deal sounds great, this may be your intuition advising you that the opportunity is too good to be true,” Marter says. It may often feel like you’re the odd man out — the one saying, “Hey, wait a second…” — but that’s a good thing!

17

You’ve Always Been Safe

The one thing you should probably never doubt is the gut feeling that you aren’t safe. Think about all the times you walk around at night, go into parking garages, or travel alone. Does your gut steer you away from shadowy corners? Does your inner voice scream out to turn around?

“If you notice the goosebumps you get or the hairs on the back of your neck when something is off or you feel scared, this is a good indicator that you have good intuition,” Erin Dierickx, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist associate, tells Bustle. “When you are able to sense your body and what you are experiencing in a situation, this means you can gauge if a situation is safe or not. This is helpful not only for reading the room but also for maintaining your safety.”

Studies referenced:

Breit, S., Kupferberg, A., Rogler, G., & Hasler, G. (2018). Vagus Nerve as Modulator of the Brain-Gut Axis in Psychiatric and Inflammatory Disorders. Frontiers in psychiatry, 9, 44. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00044

Terri Kozlowski, certified life coach

Francesca Sipma, certified breathwork coach and hypnotherapist

Lauren Paton, life coach

Micara Link, intuition expert

Jill Sylvester, LMHC, licensed mental health counselor and wellness coach

Daisy Mack, holistic wellness coach

Amanda Stemen, MS, LCSW, licensed therapist

Lisa Philyaw, MS, confidence coach

Joyce Marter, LCPC, licensed psychotherapist

Erin Dierickx, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist associate

Dr. Sonja Stribling, certified business and life coach

Spending time alone doesn’t have to mean you’re lonely. Alone time can be an opportunity to get to know yourself better, improve your mental health, and do things you enjoy. 

“Humans are social beings, hardwired to be connected to others. At the same time, it’s important to learn how to tolerate and even appreciate alone time in extended periods,” says Heather Z. Lyons, PhD, a psychologist, and owner of Baltimore Therapy Group in Baltimore, Maryland. 

Whether it’s voluntary or necessary, here are 10 ways to be happier alone: 

1. Develop a relationship with yourself 

Being alone gives you the chance to nurture your relationship with yourself. However, it’s not always easy to do this. 

“Alone time might be difficult for people for different reasons,” says Lyons. “Use the discomfort as an opportunity to learn about yourself. Reflect on what comes up for you when you are alone,” 

For example, you can do this by thinking or journaling about your values, likes, dislikes, and current emotions.

2. Volunteer 

In a large 2020 study conducted in the United Kingdom, participants completed a survey every two years about their overall mental well-being and volunteering habits from 1996 to 2014. Those who volunteered at least once a month reported better mental health than those who volunteered infrequently or never. 

You can also do this without leaving home. “You can volunteer to tutor students via video, or donate to a food bank,” says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, LMFT, a psychotherapist in Long Beach, California.

3. Learn something new

Take the initiative to absorb and learn new information or practice a skill while alone. “This might include engaging in activities that require executive functioning skills like focus such as reading or creating,” says Lyons.

“Consider doing something different than usual: this is a great time to try something new or take a class via video,” says Tessina.

4. Exercise 

Being active can go a long way towards happiness. “Partaking in a daily, mindful walk, or engaging in some form of physical activity could alleviate anxiety,” says Leela R. Magavi, MD, a psychiatrist and regional medical director at Community Psychiatry in Newport Beach, California. 

In a large 2018 study, researchers found that people who worked out regularly experienced 43.2% fewer days of poor mental health in the previous month than those who were inactive. 

5. Spend time in nature 

A large 2019 study found people who spent at least two hours in nature over a week were much more likely to report greater well-being and health than those who spent no time outside. 

Whether the time spent outside was in small increments or big chunks did not affect the results, and benefits peaked at 200 to 300 minutes a week outdoors. Go on a long walk, read in a park, or just sit outside.

6. Practice gratitude

It’s all too easy to get caught up focusing on what you don’t have.

“I recommend my patients to list things they are thankful for physically, emotionally, and spiritually every morning and evening, especially when lonely during the holidays,” says Magavi. “Furthermore, creating gratitude lists and reading these out loud in front of the mirror could help target multiple sensory centers in the brain to maximize the benefits of this activity.” 

7. Take a break from social media 

While social media may seem like a chance to connect with others, it can actually cause stronger feelings of loneliness. 

A large 2019 study of students aged 18 to 30 years old found an association between social media use and a sense of isolation. For every 10% increase in negative experiences on social media, users reported a 13% average increase in feelings of isolation. 

8. Take yourself on a date 

While doing something you like may seem obvious, you rarely have the opportunity to do precisely what you want. 

“Most people have never had a sustained period of time to think only about their preferences. Create space during your alone time to ask yourself, ‘What do I really want to be doing?,'” says Jeni Woodfin, LMFT, a therapist at J. Woodfin Counseling in San Jose, California. 

Take yourself to see a movie or peruse a new museum exhibit. Or, if you want to stay in, cook yourself your favorite meal.

9. Meditate 

Meditating not only improves mindfulness, but a 2010 review found the practice can increase the amount of gray matter in the brain. This part of the brain is responsible for perspective-taking and emotional regulation.

While the idea of meditating may sound intimidating, the actual practice is accessible to anyone. You can try meditating solo or with the help of apps or Youtube videos. 

10. Foster or adopt a pet

Yes, technically, this would give you a companion, but a pet can’t talk back, so it counts. 

“Having an animal at home with you creates a relationship that can bring joy, laughter, and unexpected challenges that will keep you on your toes,” says Woodfin. “Animals give us a reason to get out of bed. If you’re struggling to find the motivation to keep moving, having a pet that needs to go for a walk is a win-win situation.”

When to see a professional 

Over time, if feelings of anxiety and depression persist or develop, professional care may be necessary. According to Woodfin, a few signs you may need to seek professional help include:

• Disregarding your appearance or not changing your clothes for multiple days
• Consistently declining invites to engage with others
• Regularly spending all day in bed or on the couch
• Overindulging in alcohol, marijuana, or other drugs as a way to numb or stimulate yourself

“The warning signs of increased isolation, increased drug and/or alcohol use, and a decrease in the care and keeping of your body are serious enough that a call to a mental health professional would be helpful,” says Woodfin

Insider’s takeaway 

Spending time alone doesn’t have to be a lonely experience. Instead, it can be a time of happiness. Engaging in activities such as nature walks, journaling, and meditation can help you enjoy your time and better understand yourself.

However, if you think you may be experiencing anxiety or depression, it’s always best to seek help from a mental health professional. 

Sarah Fielding

Sarah Fielding is a freelance writer covering a range of topics with a focus on mental health and women’s issues. She is also the co-founder of Empire Coven, a space for highlighting trailblazing women across New York.

Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. But what exactly is respect?

Respect means that you recognize that your partner is a whole person, and not just a way to get something that you want. It means that you know your partner has different experiences and opinions from you, and that’s ok.

It’s easy to say that you have respect for someone, but acting with respect can be a bit trickier. That’s why this Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, I want to talk about how you can show respect in your relationship. After all, just because you don’t physically harm your partner or call them names, does NOT mean that you are treating your partner with respect.

Here are six ways that you can show your partner respect. What would you add?

1. Demonstrate trust.

Trust is essential in any relationship, even non-romantic ones. But it means a lot more than believing that your partner won’t cheat on you, and feeling trust isn’t nearly as powerful as showing that you trust your partner with your actions.

You can demonstrate trust by not texting or calling your partner constantly. Instead, text or call them once. Leave a message saying that you’re thinking of them, and that you hope to hear from them soon. This shows that you trust them to reach out to you when they can, and that you know your partner appreciates your efforts.

This should go without saying, but don’t go through your partner’s phone or personal things without permission. If you have a weird feeling that they’re trying to hide something from you, talk to them about it. There’s no need to stir up drama if there’s nothing going on!

2. Be mindful of how you communicate.

Communication is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and one of the hardest. That’s because being open and honest with your partner means being open and honest with yourself.

Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader. If you’re upset, it’s important to talk openly about what’s bothering you. Don’t be accusatory. Use “I” statements, like “I feel really ignored and unimportant when you cancel our plans at the last minute,” or “I feel annoyed when you keep asking me to hang out when you know I need to study. I really appreciate it when others respect my time.”  Your emotions are always valid—don’t feel bad for feeling what you feel.

Everyone disagrees sometimes, and that’s totally ok. When you do, don’t disappear or shut down communication. At a minimum, tell your partner that you’re upset and need some time to cool down and process your thoughts before you talk. This way they don’t feel like you’re disappearing on them, or ignoring their feelings. Validate your partner’s feelings by saying things like, “I understand why you feel that way,” or “I hear what you’re saying.”

Communication goes beyond words, though. You can tell your partner that you care by wearing the cologne they like, sharing a playlist with them, or bringing them flowers.

3. Be reliable and accountable.

A huge part of a relationship is trust, but how can you trust someone if they’re constantly canceling plans or, even worse, lying?

When you make plans, follow through. Don’t say yes to a dinner you’re not sure you’ll be able to go to. Instead, be accountable. Keep a calendar and check it when you and your partner are making plans. Don’t say you’ll call and then don’t. Instead, set a reminder on your phone. Being dependable respects your partner’s time and emotional energy. After all, it can be stressful to have your plans change constantly.

Of course there will be times when you have no choice but to cancel—there’s a family emergency, you’re sick, you forgot about a big test that you have to study for. You shouldn’t feel guilty (or be made to feel guilty!) about these circumstances. But it can help a lot if you show you’re aware of the effect that those actions (whether they’re within your control or not) have on your partner. Apologize, offer to reschedule, and make sure you check in with them when you’re free.

4. Encourage time apart.

When you’re in a new relationship, you may be so excited that you want to spend all your time with your partner. That’s totally normal. But it can be easy to ignore the other important relationships in your life, like with your family and friends. No single person—no matter how awesome they are—can take care of all your social and emotional needs. And everyone needs a break from their significant other every once in a while. Spending time alone or with other people means that both of you can continue to grow as individuals. You can both bring new ideas and activities to your relationship, keeping it exciting and engaging. It also gives you both a chance to talk about your relationship with your friends and family. Who doesn’t want to brag a bit about their new love?

5. Appreciate your differences.

Don’t criticize your partner for their ideas or interests. You can disagree with someone and still respect their opinion. Part of what makes relationships awesome is the differences! Your partner can help you see the world from a new perspective, even if you don’t ultimately change your mind. You can show your partner you appreciate them by going to their baseball game or art show, even if you would never set foot in a baseball stadium or art gallery otherwise.

Accept your partner’s boundaries, even when they’re different from yours. If your partner doesn’t want to kiss in public, or have sex, or lie to their parents, don’t pressure them. This is coercive, and potentially abusive.

6. Get to know yourself.

In a relationship, you’re not just getting to know another person. You’re getting to know yourself better. Being in a relationship can help you figure out what you want and need from the people you’re close with. What are you willing to compromise on? Which qualities complement your own? What are your core values that you can’t compromise on? Maybe you don’t care that your partner isn’t into R&B music the way you are, but you can’t stand that they’re mean to your cat. Get to know yourself as an individual and as a partner. Knowing yourself helps you communicate better, and your partner will definitely appreciate that.

Knowing your personal boundaries makes it a lot easier to know when those boundaries have been crossed, and when you should end a relationship.

Showing respect may sound complicated, but it’s really not.

It all comes down to listening to your partner, and being kind to them. If your partner wants to know where you are all the time, frequently accuses you of lying or cheating, puts you down, calls you names, or is in any way physically aggressive, you may be in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships are based on power and control, rather than respect. They take a serious toll on millions of people’s lives each year, and one in three teenagers in the United States has experienced dating abuse. Consider seeing a therapist. They can help you work through what’s going on, and figure out the next steps that are best for you.

Tiffanie Brown, LCSW is a clinical social worker at Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center. She has been working with marginalized and underserved adolescents for 6 years.  Ms. Brown has received intensive training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and specializes in work with individuals who are emotionally dysregulated and engage in self-harm and high risk behaviors. Ms. Brown provides ongoing individual, group, and family therapy to the adolescent population, using a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and psychodynamic approach.

The Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center is located in New York City. It provides comprehensive, confidential, judgment free health care at no charge to over 12,000 young people every year. This column is not intended to provide medical advice, professional diagnosis, opinion, treatment or services to you or to any other individual, only general information for education purposes only.

A version of this post was originally published in February, 2017.

Failing Better

What does it mean to you to “fail better?” Better than someone else? Fail/fare a little better each time you try? Maybe it means to fail spectacularly! Go big or go home! Or how about failing but getting better along the way—getting better through failure—and learning something from the experience? I believe that is the key: to allow failure to be a springboard from which we succeed and grow.

How we handle failure is more important than how we handle success. We are all going to experience failure at some point in our lives, and our attitude about that failure is what determines whether we bounce back or fall hard.

1. Decide you want to bounce back. The power of intention is amazing, and the simple, conscious decision or desire to bounce back will make it far easier for you to do so. When you decide you want to do something and spend a little time visualizing, parts of your subconscious, intuition and conscious mind all start working together towards that goal—it’s the power of positive thinking at work. Even if you have no idea how you will do it, why not start by telling yourself that you’d like to bounce back from this failure? How you speak to yourself is so important.

2. When you fail at something, it isn’t about you. Well, in a way it is, but it isn’t about your core personality, humanity or your soul. It’s much harder to bounce back when you take failure to heart too much and make it about your value as a person. Your importance to those who love you does not change when you fail; your potential to make a difference in the lives of those around you does not change. If anything, your potential increases with every failure experience you have, since the most painful events in life often give us the most valuable experiences and dramatic growth. Experiencing failure makes us more compassionate, and that also increases our capacity to make a difference in the world.

How can you make sure you don’t take failure too personally? Remind yourself—literally, tell yourself—that deep down, you are still you. The failure was just a thing that happened, like a hundred other things that have happened to you. Maybe you did some things that didn’t work out, but if you compared notes with every ridiculously successful person out there, you’d find they all have similar stories to tell. Since you survived, you can still thrive!

3. Still breathing? Keep at it. Often when we are rushed or stressed, or have been through a trauma, we breathe shallowly and unevenly, which hampers our thinking and increases our anxiety. Stop from time to time and check your body to see how deeply you are breathing, and take a deep breath to reduce your stress levels and reset your brain waves. Some practices like yoga focus on breathing, but even without the exercise element, simply taking deeper, conscious breaths will improve your clarity and help you to learn important lessons from the failure.

4. Reframe and start from where you are. In the autumn of 1972, an unusually early frost hit the vineyards of Peachland, British Columbia, Canada. It was devastating: grapes still clinging to their vines froze into little globes of ice. The year’s grape harvest would have been a complete failure, except that the vineyard’s owner, Walter Hainle, decided to make wine anyway. He knew of a tradition in Germany of making sweet dessert wines from frozen grapes, and although he originally planned on keeping the wine for personal use, he decided to sell it six years later. The wine was one-of-a-kind, which means it commanded a premium price. Thus, a lucrative, ridiculously successful new wine market was born— ice wine. It worked with the Canadian climate rather than against it, and it would have never been discovered if it hadn’t been for what seemed like a failure at the time.

The ability to reframe a life event is directly related to our ability to bounce back. Practice on small, easy things, and decide that you won’t:

• play the role of victim in this failure
• let self-degrading thoughts take hold
• let anger control you

Instead, try to see the situation from another perspective—the essence of reframing—and see what you might be able to learn from it all.

So, when you fail, begin from exactly where you are, look for opportunities, take a deep breath and get back in the game, knowing that you are learning valuable lessons along the way, having great new experiences and living life to the fullest! Vive la failure!

Timothy Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Workweek said this about achieving success in life: