Poetry

Loving myself first

My shining star, the one I would die for

I will always take invisible bullets  

from emotion so they won’t scar you

Till my last breath to calm you

But as much as I want to protect you

I can’t hold back from you

Because I promised to always be upfront

My heart never wants you to feel pain 

And as you grow I know I can’t shelter you

You’ve gone through enough that I know I can’t pretend to understand 

So I hope you understand that I never wanted to be the one to make you change

To be the voice that made you see the wrong in someone you love

Including me

As much as I fear the sea you my darling 

had me out there with ease

A bonding moment to say the least

From a ship to a ski boat out in open sea?

Girlllllll

 no one could believe that until your name is said then

Everyone knew yep, because it was you

The only one I put fears to the side for.

A bond which is precious to me but I know the limits

That life has placed in it

How I wish I could grant your fondest wish

Finally the day has come, the moment I to say no 

Not that I want to but have no other choice to

I can’t lie to you and say I can put actions behind me

The damage can’t be reversible or forgivable

The thought of the details makes my stomach turn

Because seeing your face change is unbearable 

 and I don’t want to change your views on someone your close to

 but I can’t pretend that I’m cool with

 what she’s done 

You see our communication isn’t as disruptive as you believe

It’s just we don’t want you to see

The negative that comes out of us or pity the effects from what others do

See that’s not what I want you to see 

I can’t deny or hold in the disrespect to keep the peace 

despite the fact that

It hurts my inner peace

I have to let go to exhale with ease

It’s not what you wanted but 

it wasn’t what you thought either

Like I said I will never lie to you

I don’t care if people don’t talk to me or try to hurt my feelings

But to cause physical pain

is where lines were drawn

and knowing it came from a sibling yet again

Makes it harder to take in our family blues

Because as much as we love we also hate too

I had a friend who taught me about levels of people’s actions

Is like solving jigsaw puzzles

Every piece won’t fit to see the picture and it won’t make sense

Until every aspect is brought to the light

I wish I could brighten your understanding of a picture 

I can’t understand but I understand the 

Pieces that are shown to me

And I accept them as they are and I’m ok with it

I’m ok with hate

Because knowing it and seeing it along with dealing with the actions from it

Makes me comfortable to stay away from it

Because that’s not my cup of tea and I’m set free

From wondering if there ever was love there for me

And the answer was no

Despite what one says, actions have to match words to be complete

Anything else is just for show

And that’s not the show for me.

I can’t give you what you want

Even when its something as simple as a reasoning

It’s out of my scope of understanding

Just know that despite it all I never gave up

I just moved on. 

Lady D